It's Raining Men (And Condoms) in Aisle 4
by MapacheLuna
Summary: The one where Hajime finds himself making an embarrassing late-night run at the drugstore, and the world rewards him by throwing Akaashi at him. Literally. There may also be a shower of condoms involved at some point.


Prompt: "I was shopping for condoms for my sibling but I was rushing and I ran into you, therefore it began raining condoms" AU (But not really an AU, and it's "best friend" instead of "sibling.")

AKA: I haven't finished the HQ Halloween fic, and I felt like I owed the world some Iwaaka, so here's some suffering Iwaizumi and self-confident Akaashi.

 **Disclaimer:** So much more different character interactions would happen...

* * *

 _Bzzzzz_

Hajime ignored his phone, frown never straying from the shelf in front of him. They were out of shampoo and he could never remember the very specific brand that Oikawa preferred; he refused to use anything else. Were it anything else he would have just told Oikawa to suck it up and use the cheapest bottle he could find, but Oikawa had actually called his bluff on that once.

That had been one very long month full of stiff, dull hair, and his best friend's betrayed stares everywhere he went.

 _Bzzzzz_

Hajime sighed loudly, shoving his hand into his pocket violently, scrutinizing the labels in front of him as he put the phone up to his ear. "Hey, do we use the shampoo with the different colored flowers on it, or the one with the black bottle?"

" _What? Neither, we use the white bottle with the horse on it,"_ Oikawa answered. _"But that's not the reason I was calling. We have an emergency, Iwa-chan!"_

Hajime quirked an eyebrow as he picked up two of the right bottles -how did he always forget that, it had _horses_ on it- before meandering out of the aisle into the one with the toothpaste. "What, did you switch the sugar and the salt again? You know you're not supposed to use the oven without supervision-,"

" _That's not it either!"_ Oikawa snapped. _"I'm out of condoms, Iwa-chan!"_

Hajime promptly choked on his spit, clutching the phone closer to his ear, eyes darting around to see if anyone had overheard that. There was an elderly woman further down the aisle, but she wasn't paying him any attention, thank God.

"What the fuck, Shittykawa?" He hissed into the receiver. "Why is that _my_ problem?"

" _Because you're out of them too! I checked!"_ Hajime sputtered as Oikawa went on, undeterred, _"Our entire apartment is out of condoms!"_

"Again, why is that-,"

" _It's the anniversary of the first time Tetsu-chan took me to the Miraikan, Iwa-chan; how could you forget!"_ Oikawa actually sounded offended, like Hajime was somehow supposed to memorize every single innocuous date he chose to celebrate. " _He's going to be here any minute now, and_ _ **there's no condoms**_ _,"_ Oikawa insisted frantically. _"You need to buy some!"_

"Why the hell does that even matter?" Hajime glanced guilty over his shoulder, watching the oblivious woman switch one brand of denture tablets for another. "You don't even use them!"

Oikawa's complete lack of boundaries when it came to his sex life was an unfortunate reality that Hajime had had to come to terms with early on in their cohabitation in Tokyo. Oikawa had found himself a boyfriend within the first two weeks of classes -picked up one of Hajime's classmate's friends while he was waiting for him after class, actually- and then had apparently decided that he was going to celebrate his newly discovered bisexuality all over the apartment, effective immediately.

Hajime had stumbled upon Oikawa and Kuroo more times than he could count, and honestly, he knew his friendship with Oikawa was entirely composed of blurred lines, but walking in on his best friend getting fucked over the kitchen counter -the same counter he had his breakfast at every morning- had to be some sort of bro code violation. Kuroo casually offering to move over to the wall and out of his way was _not_ normal, he didn't care what Oikawa insisted about his chivalry.

The bottom line was that he knew that the moment that Oikawa and Kuroo had gotten their clean bills of health from the clinic, they'd stopped using condoms because Oikawa liked it "sloppy and wet."

( _"Not only do you get one of the best fucks ever, but you get to keep a part of your partner too! It's like the best party favor ever!"_

" _You need to stop talking. Right now. Or I'm going to throw this at you."_

" _You'll understand when you're older,- OW! That hurt, Iwa-chan!")_

" _They're not for Tetsu-chan, they're for me,"_ Oikawa said impatiently. _"I bought silk sheets for today and they were expensive; Tetsu-chan makes me come too much and I don't want to ruin them."_

"I am not having this conversation with you right now, Oikawa," Hajime snapped, ears glowing red. "Go out and buy them yourself!"

" _But I can't, Iwa-chan!"_ Oikawa sounded frustrated. _"I really can't right now!"_

"And why the fuck not?"

" _I'm wearing a buttplug."_

Hajime dropped the bottles, sending the elderly woman a hysterical look when she looked over. Meanwhile, Oikawa was still babbling in his ear. _"I don't want to waste any time once Tetsu-chan gets here, okay? It's been a while and I know he'd take too long stretching me out, and yeah, I_ _ **love**_ _it when he fingers me, but I just really want him to-,"_

"OIKAWA!" Hajime scrambled for the bottles, practically skidding into the next aisle in his hurry to get away from the woman's unrelenting stare. "Shut up! I'll buy them for you, just, stop talking." He adjusted the banged up bottles in his hold. "Actually, if you could never talk again, that'd be nice."

" _No need to be mean, Iwa-chan,"_ Oikawa sniffed, but his voice was lacking smug pride that Hajime was expecting. _"Are you almost back yet? Tetsu-chan is supposed to be getting here in like, fifteen minutes."_

"I'm literally around the corner," Hajime grunted, ducking into the family planning aisle. "Calm down." He counted his blessings that the drugstore was essentially empty, save for him, the elderly lady, and a couple of people he could hear near the refrigerated goods. "Uh."

"' _Uh'_ _ **what**_ _?"_ Oikawa repeated impatiently.

"What brand do you want?"

" _Do you really think it matters to me?"_ Oikawa asked, a hysterical note in his voice.

"How am I supposed to know?" Hajime shot back defensively. "You're picky as shit over everything else that goes on your body!"

" _Just get some unlubricated ones!"_ Oikawa whined. _"Come on, Iwa-chan!"_

Hajime was hovering between "Ultra-Thin" and "Extra-Strength" -what was his life, he needed to reconsider his choice of friends- when Oikawa's voice in his ear went up an octave. _"He just messaged me that he's on his way! HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!"_

Hajime didn't know why he was actually spurred on by the urgency in Oikawa's voice -he blamed volleyball and the years of teamwork conditioning- but he grabbed both boxes and sprinted out of the aisle, Oikawa still screeching into the phone wedged between his cheek and shoulder.

The entire situation was so ridiculous, that he couldn't even bring himself to be surprised when he bodily slammed into someone, sending both of them onto the ground.

Hajime groaned, and then groaned again when he realized that it was _literally_ raining condoms around them. His night couldn't get any worse.

"Iwaizumi-san?"

Correction, yes it could, of course it could, it ALWAYS could, why did he ever think that tempting fate was a good idea?

"Akaashi?" Hajime shot up, slipping in a pool of condoms as his eyes settled on what was definitely Akaashi Keiji staring up at him, pretty black eyes unfocused and confused.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry," He reached down to help him up, brushing condoms off of his hoodie once he was standing again. "Are you okay? Did you hurt anything?"

"Ah, I'm fine," Akaashi blinked at him, eyes sliding from his beet-red face down to the condom Hajime was literally plucking out of his neckline, someone kill him right now please, "Busy night, Iwaizumi-san?"

"No! Of course not," Hajime stuttered. "They're not for me, they're for a friend." And he immediately slapped a hand over his face when Akaashi's eyebrows shot up. "That came out so wrong, but I swear, they're not for me." He rubbed his neck. "I'm, uh, you know, not seeing anyone right now."

" _IWA-CHAN!"_ Both of them jumped as the shrill voice pierced the air between them, drifting up from somewhere below them. _"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FLIRTING RIGHT NOW? TETSU-CHAN IS GOING TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE."_

Hajime immediately dropped to his knees, digging through the condoms as Oikawa continued to prattle on and Akaashi bent down next to him, setting a previously unseen basket right-side up and slowly picking up his own discarded products. Hajime shot him another apologetic look, feeling a little better when Akaashi just gave him a small smile and didn't immediately run away once he finished collecting his stuff. All hope wasn't lost yet, it seemed.

When his fingers finally brushed against his banged up cell phone he didn't waste any time in snatching it up to his mouth with a growl, " _Shut up_ , Oikawa! You're not going to die if he gets there before me, calm down!"

" _DO YOU WANT ME TO GET PREGNANT?"_ Hajime swallowed his tongue and Akaashi's fingers slipped on the bottle of shampoo he was setting upright. _"ARE YOU PREPARED TO SEE ME AS A TEEN MOM, IWA-CHAN?"_

"Oh my God Oikawa, you can't get pregnant, you're a guy, _shut up_ -,"

" _YOU NEVER KNOW, OKAY? HURRY UP."_

"They're not even for _him_ ," Hajime hissed, officially fed up. "So _calm the fuck down_ and just blow him if you're so worried!" He violently slammed his phone shut, sending Akaashi a strained smile. "I'm sorry-,"

Akaashi was already shaking his head. "Don't worry about it, Iwaizumi-san." A small smile was tugging at the corners of his lips. "We all have those friends, don't we?"

Hajime rubbed a hand down his face before he started scooping the spilled condoms into the forgotten boxes. "Oikawa is a work of art, that's for sure. I don't know how I've put up with him for so long."

Akaashi hummed, picking up the second box and following his lead. "You're childhood friends, right? At least, that's what Kuroo-san told me."

"Yeah," Hajime sighed. "We've been neighbors all our lives, so we just grew up with each other. Known him since birth, practically."

"I met Bokuto-san in middle school," Akaashi commented lightly, handing him the refilled box, "And Kuroo-san soon after that, but I haven't had anyone in my life for nearly as long as you've had Oikawa-san. That must be nice"

Hajime snorted, lumbering to his feet, Akaashi following soon after. "That's one word for it, I guess. 'Annoying' is another. Maybe even 'exhausting.'"

"But you're still here, rushing to get him condoms on a Friday night," Akaashi pointed out, lips twitching again. "Just so he won't 'get pregnant.'"

Hajime groaned again. "I can't believe you heard all of that. He bought these stupidly expensive sheets, okay, so he's freaking out and oh God, why am I telling you all of this?" Hajime pinched the bridge of his nose. "Can we just pretend that this whole thing didn't happen?"

"What part?" Akaashi asked, pushing his basket further up his arm. "The part where you crashed into me and we spent a few minutes cleaning up your best friend's condoms?" He started digging into the pocket of his hoodie. "Or the part where I was thoroughly charmed by your stuttering knight-in-shining-armor act?" He pulled his hand back out to reveal a pen. "Or the part where I really want to give you my number so I can hear more of your best friend stories?" His smile took a more shy turn. "I can share some of my own with you too; Bokuto-san has provided me with plenty of material over the years."

Hajime's jaw was hanging wide open and he was sure he looked like the world's biggest slob, standing there in his threadbare sweats and a sweater that might have actually belonged to Oikawa at some point -there was an alien on it- but Akaashi just beckoned for his hand, waiting patiently while he shuffled everything into the crook of one arm and shoved his emptied hand at him with a fierce blush painting his cheeks.

Akaashi cradled his hand in one of his slimmer ones, the tip of the pen tickling his palm as he passed it over his skin in short strokes. "I left my phone at home, but feel free to message me tonight." Akaashi kept his face down, but Hajime could see the beginning of a pink flush dusting his cheeks, and his heart skipped a cursory beat. "Bokuto-san is very insistent about his Rocky Road before we started our movie night," Hajime finally noticed that his basket was full of pints of ice cream, "But he always falls asleep in the middle of the second one so, you know, I can talk tonight, if you'd like..."

Hajime finally managed to unglue his tongue from the roof of his mouth. "Yeah! No, of course." He jerked his chin at the burden in his hold with a wry smile. "I have a feeling that I'll need a distraction tonight. Oikawa and Kuroo don't really have a sense of their noise level. Or shame."

Akaashi laughed softly. "I can imagine." He started to turn around, a smile lingering on his lips. "So I'll talk to you later, Iwaizumi-san?" At his dumbfounded nod Akaashi waved and finally walked away, leaving Hajime standing in the middle of the family planning aisle, beaten boxes of condoms and bottles of shampoo practically slipping from his hold, with a wildly beating heart and a judgmental old lady as his only company.

* * *

Oikawa was yanking his door open before Hajime was even done knocking, greeting him with a sullen frown. "You better have gotten Akaashi-kun's number after all of this, Iwa-chan," He pouted. "Tetsu-chan's already here."

Hajime quirked an eyebrow, glancing down the length of Oikawa's body, taking in the unbuttoned pants -was that lace?,- the stretched collar of his shirt, and finally his suspiciously red, swollen lips and disarrayed hair. "Did you actually blow him?"

Oikawa scowled. "Did you get his number or not?"

Hajime flashed his palm at him, tossing the condoms at him with the other hand. "I dropped them when you started screaming about getting pregnant, so they're all mixed up. Hope that's okay."

A disheveled and sweaty Kuroo appeared over Oikawa's shoulder, tossing Hajime a lazy salute before looking at Oikawa with a smirk. "'Pregnant?' Something you want to tell me, babe?"

"Shut up and go turn the music back on," Oikawa shoved the condoms at Kuroo before turning to Hajime with a strained grin. "Anything else, Iwa-chan?"

"Yeah, how about keeping it down tonight?" Hajime drawled, jerking a thumb over his shoulder. "Next time someone shows up to complain, I'm letting them in, and you're dealing with it."

Oikawa just stuck his tongue out at him before shutting the door, a trill of, _"See you in the morning, Iwa-chan~"_ being his only response.

Hajime huffed, turning towards his own room with a shake of his head. Oikawa better keep his face buried in a pillow tonight; he had an important phone call to make after all.

* * *

Someone stop me.


End file.
